Raising Teenagers - HELP!!!
You should note that the stage of adolescence is the most dangerous stage that a person goes through, because during this stage there are many physical, mental, emotional and sexual changes, and the shaytaan is keen to tempt a person during this stage by whatever means and methods he can. Hence every adolescent boy and girl must be cautious. What we recommend at this stage is:
Strive to do acts of worship, both obligatory and mustahabb, and strive to keep away from haram (impermissible), doubtful and makrooh (disliked) things.
Among the means which will help you to avoid falling into the trap of the shaytaan and keep away from disobedience to Allaah are:
- Remembering that Allaah is always watching and bearing in mind His greatness, especially when you are alone.
- Not following in the footsteps of the shaytaan. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! Follow not the footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan). And whosoever follows the footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan), then, verily, he commands Al Fahsha’ [i.e. to commit indecency (illegal sexual intercourse)], and Al Munkar [disbelief and polytheism (i.e. to do evil and wicked deeds; and to speak or to do what is forbidden in Islam)]” [al-Noor 24:21]. The steps of the shaytaan are like a chain; the one who follows them will not stop and each step is more serious than the one that came before it, unless a person checks himself and gives it up and repents from every sin.
- Repenting from every sin. A Muslim may fall into sin, but if that happens what he must do is give it up and repent, and not continue and persist in it. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who, when they have committed Faahishah (illegal sexual intercourse) or wronged themselves with evil, remember Allaah and ask forgiveness for their sins; — and none can forgive sins but Allaah — and do not persist in what (wrong) they have done, while they know” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:135]. And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every son of Adam commits sin, and the best of those who commit sin are those who repent.” Narrated by Ibn Majaah (4251). Shaykh al-Albaani said: It is hasan.
- Thinking of death and the meeting with Allaah. The one who remembers that death may come to him suddenly and that he will meet Allaah, Who will ask him about his deeds, will avoid sin.
- Turning to Allaah and praying that He will help you to do good deeds and give up evil deeds, for Allaah will never let down the one who calls upon Him. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright” [al-Baqarah 2:186].
Strive to find good companions and keep away from bad companions, for a friend will have an impact on his friends, as it was said:
Do not ask about a man, rather ask about his friend, for every friend follows the example of his friends.
You should fill your time with beneficial and useful things, both religious and worldly, and beware of free time for it is one of the greatest sources of corruption at this stage.
If you want to win people’s hearts, then treat them kindly and have a good attitude towards them, cooperate with them and meet their needs, for in this way you will be able to win their hearts.
Among the wisdom narrated from ‘Ali (may Allaah be pleased with him) are his words:
Do favours to whoever you want and you will be like his master, and be in need of whoever you want and you will be like his prisoner, and be independent of whoever you want and you will be his equal.
We will say something in general terms about winning people’s hearts and earning their love.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Verily, those who believe [in the Oneness of Allaah and in His Messenger (Muhammad )] and work deeds of righteousness, the Most Gracious (Allaah) will bestow love for them (in the hearts of the believers)”
Qataadah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his commentary on this verse: This means, by Allaah, in the hearts of the believers. It was mentioned to us that Haram ibn Hayaan used to say: No person turns with all his heart to Allaah but Allaah will turn the hearts of the believers towards him, until He blesses him with their love and compassion. Tafseer al-Tabari (18/266).
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When Allaah loves a person, He calls Jibreel (A) and says: ‘I love So and so, so love him.’ So Jibreel loves him, then he calls out to the people of heaven, ‘Allaah loves So and so, so love him.’ So the people of heaven love him and he finds acceptance on earth. If Allaah hates someone, He calls Jibreel and says: ‘I hate So and so, so hate him.’ So Jibreel hates him, then he calls out to the people of heaven: ‘Allaah hates So and so, so hate him.’ So they hate him and he is hated on earth.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (7485) and Muslim (2637).
Now you see that winning people’s hearts and earning their love is not within your capacity or that of any other human being, rather it is in the hand of Allaah alone, may He be glorified and exalted. He is the One Who softens hearts towards one another and He is the One Who separates them. He is the One Who gives and withholds, lowers and raises. All of this is part and parcel of His being the Rabb (Lord or Cherisher and Sustainer) of His creation, may He be glorified.
As for how to attain the love of Allaah, this is the greatest desire of the believer, and this is the great and noble purpose for which there is only one way to attain it, which is by following and obeying His Prophet. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Say (O Muhammad to mankind): “If you (really) love Allaah, then follow me (i.e. accept Islamic Monotheism, follow the Qur’aan and the Sunnah), Allaah will love you and forgive you your sins. And Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful”
[Aal ‘Imraan 3:31]
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whosoever shows enmity to someone devoted to Me, I shall be at war with him. My slave draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him, and My slave continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it. I do not hesitate about anything as much as I hesitate about [seizing] the soul of My faithful slave: he hates death and I hate hurting him.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (6502).
If there remain after that people of evil and corruption who love to spread evil among those who believe, and they want to harm you, and want you to agree with them, and are annoyed by your obedience to the Most Merciful, and your keenness to worship Him and attain all the branches of faith, then do not pay any attention to them, and continue on your straight path, and be with His righteous slaves.
Here we should point out the importance of respecting parents and relatives, for they are the most deserving of good treatment and of your efforts to win their hearts. It is essential to be patient with parents when they regard you as still being young, because no matter how old you get, you are still young in your parents’ eyes. Moreover they have the right of being in charge of you, looking after you, raising and teaching you, and disciplining you. They are entrusted with your care, and are responsible for you in this world and in the Hereafter. Part of their duty is that they should ensure that you follow proper etiquette and pay attention to the rulings of Islam, and respect the people’s customs and traditions so long as they do not go against sharee’ah. All of that may conflict with the desires and inclinations of teenagers, which may lead to the situation that you describe, and you feel that it is a problem, i.e., reconciling between what is required of you as a teenager and the whims and desires of your own nafs (desirous soul), and what the duties of etiquette demand of you, and what your parents’ rights dictate, that you should respect and accept the guardianship of your parents.
Hence you will know the answer to the rest of your question. If this friend is a good person, then try to love her and grow close to her, and if she is a bad and corrupt person, then keep away from her and she will also keep away from you.
“Bad statements are for bad people (or bad women for bad men) and bad people for bad statements (or bad men for bad women). Good statements are for good people (or good women for good men) and good people for good statements (or good men for good women): such (good people) are innocent of (every) bad statement which they say; for them is forgiveness, and Rizqun Kareem (generous provision, i.e. Paradise)”
And Allaah knows best.